WAKING UP by Estee

I had just returned from spending a couple of months traveling the length and breadth of India. I had hoped months of being on the road – a wanderer and pilgrim traveler, a musafir -- would change me. And change me it did in a most profound and unexpected way.

They asked me to come to the ashram for a ‘Mission’ training. We had to write an essay to complete our application. They always make it seem that way – you’re invited, means you’re special, don’t tell anyone, the final say remains with us. The form and essay is supposedly meant so they can assure themselves you’re a ‘follower’. (Read tame, won’t ask difficult questions, do as you are told.)

It had never struck me as odd although I had done it so many times before. Now, it did. I passed the test although it didn’t seem to excite me hugely. They spent some three-four days telling us about the Mission, its various arms and trusts etc. Then made sure we could parrot the same to another. We got to have darshan too. The pre-noon darshans were ‘analysed’ in the afternoons. ‘Singhavalokan’ they called it – ‘you know like a lion looks back as he walks forward’. It was to be a term reserved for ‘chewing on’ on the Guru’s words – however mundane they may have been.

All of it suddenly began to seem alien. Why do we regard someone as God? Why does someone call himself/ herself a ‘perfected master’? Who gives these titles? It occurred to me that ‘followers’ give titles; the ‘following’ increases. And then they say he has a following of so many millions, it must be true he/she is God or an ‘enlightened being’.

Why does it all seem so insane all of a sudden. Haven’t I done the same for years? Then the big discussion on what will you say when you return from the ashram – did you get to see Gurumayi, what did she say, what was the workshop about etc. Hours and hours were spent deliberating what ‘should’ be said. I was stumped. Isn’t it obvious – the answer depends on who’s asking the question. Is it a friend who was going come herself but couldn’t make it (they don’t seem to understand this one – it’s beyond their comprehension that somebody who was invited chose not to come); is it a co-sevite I work closely with as a team; is it a parent or a sibling; is it an acquaintance I bump into once in a while. Hours of deliberation followed. I seemed to be the only one getting restless about it. It looked as though the others thought this was pretty normal.

These last few months I have studiously followed this blog – the posts and the comments. I was not aware about many of the things mentioned here. An Indian saying goes – was the branch already broken or did the crow’s perching on it break it. I guess the branch was broken, knowing more just did it.

Through my months of travel, I studied the SY teachings and applied them like a ‘scientist’. I learnt a lot, grew a lot, it became my lens to understand and view the world. Ironically, the same teachings set me free from the need to believe in a ‘Guru’ and any form of organised religion.

I like to think I’ve graduated. I still do the stand-and stretch I learnt in the ashram. And sometimes as I take a brisk walk, a chant comes up by itself. I hum and sing, and I enjoy the music that has given me much over the years. A lot of who I am today comes from the years of practice and I am grateful for that. Even more grateful to be free again.